catch 22

ever feel damned if you do and damned if you don't? that is the position I often find myself in with love.  If trust my head i do nothing and have nothing. If i trust my head I have passion, love, lust, excitement. And in the end im left with heartache and pain.  I am desperately in love with a man. We are miles apart both geographically and emotionally.  He is the one i want  to be with in love and in life. The pain i experience with him and without him are the same. Our relationship is my lifes catch 22. Yet i still long for him everyday. I have missed him since the second i walked out of his house with our child.  I remember the cheating, the secrets, the manipulation.  But i also remember the passion, the fire, and the loving. I have been told to and probably should just put my energy into finding someone else to love. I dont know if its my stubborn nature or my unwillingness to start something new with someone or my inability to trust anyone but i cant seem to move to that step.  I think too much. One thing i know is that its been 2 years since we have been separated and time has not healed my broken heart.