Friday, July 8, 2011


A little late getting this started but here it goes.  I have started a journey.  The journey, i have discovered, is hard, daunting, and at times, lots of times, frustrating.  I am talking about buying a house.  Not just any house, mind you, the perfect house. The 1st house.  I entered into this endeavor to give my child and myself some stability and a place to put down roots.  My parents never owned a car or a house.  We moved around A LOT!  I don't want to move anymore and so I began to do some research as to what kind of loans I could obtain with questionable credit and no money.  I was approved for a loan through our local USDA out of little 'ol Vinita, OK.  Let the hunt begin!  I found THE house.  Affordable, cozy, conveinent and in my price range.  Made an offer and was shot down.  Let the hunt being again.  So that is where i am now in the journey.  Still looking, although my excitement has waned just a bit.  I never knew the process was so rigid and how many hoops i had to jump through.  I feel like a dizzy child that just got spun off of the merry go round.  My head hurts sometimes from all of the thinking I have to do with this.  Stay tuned for more updates.  I am trying hard to remember to blog about my experience with this.  It's really all I can do to remember to wake up in the morning. :)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

catch 22

ever feel damned if you do and damned if you don't? that is the position I often find myself in with love.  If trust my head i do nothing and have nothing. If i trust my head I have passion, love, lust, excitement. And in the end im left with heartache and pain.  I am desperately in love with a man. We are miles apart both geographically and emotionally.  He is the one i want  to be with in love and in life. The pain i experience with him and without him are the same. Our relationship is my lifes catch 22. Yet i still long for him everyday. I have missed him since the second i walked out of his house with our child.  I remember the cheating, the secrets, the manipulation.  But i also remember the passion, the fire, and the loving. I have been told to and probably should just put my energy into finding someone else to love. I dont know if its my stubborn nature or my unwillingness to start something new with someone or my inability to trust anyone but i cant seem to move to that step.  I think too much. One thing i know is that its been 2 years since we have been separated and time has not healed my broken heart.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

spring is the time.....

I love to go junking and antiquing. I am a garage/yard/rummage sale addict.  I honestly spend all day saturday looking through other people's junk.  I literally brake for interesting trash.  I love to hunt for beat down old furniture pieces and make them into something different.  I was finishing a piece just a few days ago and was thinking how different it looked with just a few coats of paint.  An old, rickety piece of thrown out furniture got a new start because of paint.  That's what spring is the time for.....for old things to become new.  The trees have new leaves.  The grass is lush and green.  The sun is shining.  The flowers are blooming.  If we can learn anything from winter, its that the old doesn't last long and the sun will shine again.  Apply this to everyday matter what situation you're going through, tough times don't stay around forever.  Spring comes around every year.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

it's the little things

My son singing a song with the wrong words always makes me stop what I'm doing and listen.
Waking up to the singing birds.
Being able to get a great parking space up close to the entrance.
Experimenting on a piece of furniture and coming out with something really fabulous!
Catching my favorite song on the radio right as it starts.
Getting to take just as little as 5 minutes to sit quietly and talk to God.
A short work week.
Long weekend!
True love, not the kind between a man and woman specifically, but the kind that you just know and feel, any kind.
Glee....the show and the feeling.
The list is endless and can including anything and everything. What are your little things?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the things that come out of your mouth

Be careful little mouth what you say! Not only is the "Father up above" listening, so is the little impressionable 3 year old in the passanger seat.  So before you yell Dumb Ass! to the crazy inconsiderate driver in front of you, remember who can hear you. and repeat EVERYTHING YOU SAY! although when Reed says it it's cute.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dealing with the hurt

I have many things i deal with everyday. Work, child, crazy Oklahoma drivers, what to eat for dinner, etc. What i find myself constantly dealing with is my mind. I am always thinking. I can't seem to turn my mind off. Not even at night. I am always thinking about my past. More to the point, my near recent past, if that statement makes sense to anyone. I find myself feeling increasingly alone and lonely. Although i have plenty of things to fill my time, i seem to be missing that one thing that i think will make me happy...a mate, a boyfriend, significant other, someone. And the thing is, I have been in this position and still unhappy with the situation.  My son is the light of my life, the one pure and true someone that can always make me smile, still somehow i still feel lonely. Mostly lonely for his dad. Reed's dad put me through complete hell emotionally and yet i am utterly in love with this man.  I can't shake it and all the memories we made together continue to haunt me and keep me awake at night.  I miss him and the life we had together, but mainly i miss being connected to another adult human. Maybe there is someone else out there for me that will take me seriously and love me the way i love them, but for now I need to and want to deal with the hurt that will eventually help me heal.